It isn’t easy to pinpoint when I admitted to having a problem with porn. The entire process of progression, regression, and repetition of my porn use is a long and blurred story. When Vince and I spoke about porn addiction on the podcast, we talked about how innocent it all began. How the odd times of porn use here and there, which were healthy on their own, became coping mechanisms for discomfort and stress. Coming to the realization that I was using porn to cope with life’s challenges took many years of reflection. Let me give you some examples.
Prioritizing porn over others – There are the times I’d get home to find the house wasn’t empty, friends and family were over, and now my plans to sit in front of the computer were cancelled. I’d instantly get annoyed. I had been planning all day to get home from work to surf some material and “burn off some steam” from the day.
Not connecting – On occasions where I’d lie awake, worrying about something completely unrelated to sex or porn, I’d quietly get out of bed and go “do my thing”, sometimes till very late, waking up overtired the next day. What I should have done was reach out to my husband, even if it meant waking him up, and asked him to work through my worries with me. Instead I spared him the discomfort and made the burden on myself even worse. So much for my reasoning that watching porn isn’t hurting anyone.
Incurring expenses to support my habit – Then came the business trips where the hotel didn’t have free internet. I couldn’t charge it to the company, so I’d spend my personal money and rent internet access. Twenty-five dollars a day, for a five day trip added up quickly. Compound that over several trips over several years…let’s not do the math just now. The same goes for increasing cellular data and paying to go over limit. Using my phone to access xtube and porn hub. Ya, it was expensive, but it gave me guaranteed access, and no one could see where I was surfing.
All of these little scenarios built up to the day I’d finally take action against my porn use. In my psychologist’s office we were talking about being married for many years, and how it can be natural for the spark to disappear from time to time. I failed to see her correlation between my porn use, and me not being available to connect with my husband. “I’m not pulling away,” I’d defend. “I’m just using porn to get through this lull. Everything will return to normal, you’ll see, we have an excellent marriage.” The excuses rambled on, well rehearsed in my head, I knew exactly what to say. “It’s way better than cheating. Besides, I have a lot of pressure on my shoulders.” I just didn’t get it.
Then, in another conversation with my psychologist, porn again came to the surface. I was complaining about our busy lives with friends and family always in town and staying with us, (which I really did love) obligations to events and business travel (again, things I enjoy) and how I never get “alone time” as I called it.
Desperate for a release, I took a private moment in a secluded place, one where most people would not agree was appropriate, and my psychologist’s response was. “Do you actually hear the words you’re saying?” I looked at her, blinked a couple of times in silence as I was completely unsure of what she was getting at. She continued, “Do you hear the lengths you are going to to view this material?” BOOM! That one made me sit up and think about it…for a while. I was in a daze for a day or two, but then I fell right back into my habits. Hummm, the patterns of addiction.
As time went on, the frequency of viewing sessions increased and so did the the changes in my behaviour. I started taking longer showers (so I could watch porn before actually stepping into the running water) and I further increased my cellular data plans (so I could now also have porn whenever and wherever I wanted).
I would be amiss if I didn’t mention the increased intensity of the material I was viewing. By intensity, I mean shock value. I noticed a change in my sexual tastes, and it was exciting and confusing all at the same time. I assumed that because I needed this type of material to ‘finish’ I must obviously enjoy what I was seeing. At one point, this even started to make me question my own sexuality.
Finally contemplating that I kinda, sorta, maybe might possibly have a problem. I started to cutback my porn use. I found a website called nofap.com that assisted guys like me to maintain a period of abstinence on their quest to becoming porn free. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t fun, and I didn’t succeed. I tried again in a few months, and again I failed. It was time to admit that I had an addiction and I needed more help than I, or my supportive husband, could provide. Now that I was admitting I have a problem, I was able to look at the sum of all these parts and accept that my porn use could very well be keeping me from repairing relationships in my life. THIS would be the closest I can come to pinning down a time when sobriety began.